| Current mood: |  sleepy |
| Current music: | The Velvet Underground- "Pale Blue Eyes" |
If I could make the world as pure and strange as what I see...
The implication is that I'm some sort of emotional nomad who goes from one set of people, from one group of relationships, from one social environment to the other. That emotional relationships don't matter to me because I'm of the mentality that nobody is all that special and I'm bound to find someone else similar (or close enough) to the person I'm disposing of. And that I believe that because of my semi-decent ability to banter well with just about anyone, I can create bonds and friendships out of thin air. And that I then consume whatever I can take from these newly formed friendships and then toss them out like chinese food containers when I've grown bored. The fundamental problem with this reasoning is that it fails to consider my own often tiresome "quirkiness".
Understand that I have dealt with and take direct responsibility for the loss of many friendships over the years. Know that I feel guilt for every single one of them. Those that crumbled away because of my many shortcomings-- my inability to deal with jealousy, my mendacious and possessive nature, my overwhelming and constant need to prove myself superior to everyone else for no particular reason, through disparaging remarks masked under a jokey demeanor. These are people I've turned against, haven't been there for, dismissed and took for granted. But I am not going to take responsibility for every single one of my severed relationships. There have been too many.
I'm a loudmouthed, often one-dimensional, opinionated asshole with a penchant for bad puns and nonsequiturs. My views are often times misinformed, insulated and ignorant. My ways of expressing them hyperbolic and abrasive. Everyone who has to deal with me for a prolonged period of time is bound to find me charming and endearing at first, taxing after a while and ultimately irritating. I can't say I blame them. I recognize these things about myself and make a sincere effort to rid myself of these quirks, but it doesn't happen. It's been an inner struggle for the last five or more years.
I have felt deceived, turned against and dismissed unfairly. As early as two weeks ago. And it hurts-- I put on a face, throw and expletive around and keep going, but it's a real blow to my self-esteem. So yes, over the course of the last five years I've had several different groups of friends. Some have remained so, a lot of them are simply not part of my life anymore. But I'm not going to sit here and accept being called an "emotional nomad" because we fought. I'm not going to let you call me an unfeeling, heartless buffoon because something went wrong here. It's not fair and it's hurtful. And frankly, you don't know me well enough to even begin to make that assertion.
In my entire life there are only about 4 or 5 people I think about with regret. Don't flatter yourself, you're not one of them. Not even close.
---
Hey! Why don't we alleviate the mood with a nice love meme!
Reply to this post, and I will list three things I love about you.
Then repost to your own journal and spread the love.
Really. I really will.
Also, here's a few assorted pics for you to check out!
Happy weekend, everybody!
![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
funkyplatypus) wrote,
